Caren's Wondrous Plan to Take Over the World
by Mereo Flere
Summary: Fate/kaleid liner PRISMA ILLYA  Caren tries to take over the world.  Ilya tries to stop her.


Caren's Wondrous Plan to Take Over the World

A Fate/kaleid liner PRISMA ILLYA fanfiction.

A/N: Originally written for a contest held by Fatuous One, I've taken the advice of the judges and fixed some horrible, horrible errors. Whether it's genuinely good or not is up to you, however.

Special thanks to Ni and F1 for looking it over.

XXX

Things had become peaceful after Kuro had officially joined the Einzbern household – relatively speaking at least. Emiya Shirou himself had been finding nothing but trouble since she arrived – teased constantly by his "cousin" and punished in turn by his little sister Ilya for being a pervert. At school he somehow managed to find himself getting into accidents with the female students, always managing to drag Luvia and Rin with him without fail whenever he tripped. Even at home, he ended up in what his friend Shinji called "sexy incidents" with his maids – only recently did Sella fall unconscious on top of him, the towel she had been wearing slipping off in the process.

Worthy of being classified as a walking natural disaster when it came to women, it surprised nobody when it turned out that he was at the center of the next catastrophe that threatened the city – if not the world. This time even he had no idea the danger he represented, all born from a single event four years ago…

XXX

"We have a problem," Rin said, slamming her hand on the table. "A big problem."

The usual group had gathered around the table, located in a makeshift briefing room inside the Edelfelt mansion. On one side, Luvia and Rin stood with a television screen behind them. In front of them was a single open case, simply labeled "World Domination" – no doubt the subject of today's meeting.

"Trying to take over the world?" Kuro asked, raising a brow. "I don't mind lending a hand, but you'll have to give me Australia."

"What are we, some Saturday morning cartoon villains?" Luvia said with a humph. "We called you here so you could help us stop this…scheme."

"Ah, so you're saving the world now so you can conquer it for yourself later."

"That's-"

"Never mind, Luvia," Rin said, deciding to stop the conversation from being derailed before it could even start. "This is serious. What we've seen here could threaten civilization as we know it."

"It really can't be that bad, can it?" Ilya asked. "You're just exaggerating things for dramatic effect, aren't you?"

"No…without a doubt, if this plan were to succeed the whole world would be plunged into chaos. People would riot, wars would break out, and even Counter Guardians may become involved."

"Counter Guardians?"

"Counter Guardians are entities that are summoned to save humanity from itself," Miyu explained, as if she were reciting something she had memorized from a book. "They will resolve the issue before it can completely get out of control, using whatever means necessary."

"Right," Rin said, nodding her head. "If that were the case, everybody involved would be massacred. It wouldn't just be the villains or those directly involved; even innocents would be caught up in the slaughter, as long as it was possible they were a witness."

"That bad?"

"Roughly speaking, they are around the level of the heroic spirits found sealed in the class cards," Luvia said, shuddering at the memory of fighting those things. "Though we could try to defeat them, it still wouldn't resolve the issues that caused them to be summoned."

Ilya exchanged a nervous glance with Miyu, though Kuro simply sat back in her chair, stretching her arms while yawning.

"I don't see what the big deal is," Kuro said. "Exactly what could be on that disc that could cause such a riot?"

"That would be none other than Shi-your brother."

"Onii-chan?" Ilya yelled, standing up from her chair. "What's he doing on that disc – no, how could he be the cause of all that to begin with?"

"It's a recording of him from four years ago," Luvia explained, her face becoming slightly flushed. "It was a warm memory of your brother trying to jump over a pole."

"Eh?"

"No matter how many times he failed, he stubbornly refused to give up," Luvia continued, eyes sparkling as she reminisced. "Even though it should've been impossible for a boy his age to reach that height, he kept working at it, getting closer and closer to his goal."

"Uh…"

"His determined expression becoming fiercer with every breath …a body glistening with the sweat set against a setting sun…"

"Luvia," Rin said, with a not so discreet cough. Even she seemed to blush a little, remembering that scene – but she knew to remain composed. Her partner, however, seemed to be lost.

"Well, in any case, it's a recording that affects the user in that way," Rin said, obviously referring to Luvia's current condition. "If I think back too hard, even I may be affected."

"Hold it," Kuro said, raising a hand. "How can you be so sure it's as dangerous as you say just because it affects you two that way?"

"We're sure because this is only a prototype that we stumbled upon on accident. By the time we discovered it there had already been people that had been used to test it."

"And who are these people?"

"We're not sure how many there have been," Rin admitted. "But today alone, there were at least two dozen people trying to share their bentou with Shirou, including the entire student council."

"Isn't that Issei fellow the student council president?" asked Kuro.

"Yes."

Miyu's eyes widened. "So it even affects men…this actually pretty hazardous after all."

"Actually, he might have already been like that," Ilya said, laughing weakly. "He always sparkled whenever I saw him with Onii-chan."

"Even if that's the case, he was never the type to be so obvious about it," Rin said. "These days, it seems like even Shinji is being tsundere around him."

"So then, what is it we're supposed to do?"

"Isn't it obvious? Stop the mastermind behind all this."

"And, this person would be?"

"None other than Caren Ortensia. You would probably know her better as your elementary school's nurse."

XXX

Caren Ortensia.

She was a mysterious woman that Ilya herself had only met a few times. Aside from Ilya's own extraordinary health she had never really went to the nurse's office besides that one dodge ball fight with Kuro; it was commonly known throughout the school that if you were sick or had an injury you were generally better off getting treated by a rabid dog. At the very least, they had better bedside manner than her.

Still, even if Caren had a personality that suited tormenting people, she had never seriously thought that that woman would do something as ridiculous as trying to take over the world. Seriously, who does that?

But it was unforgivable that she would involve her brother in this. It was also unforgivable that she was only creating even more rivals to fall in love with Shirou. The most unforgivable of all though had to be the fact that the disc was an HDDVD – what kind of evil would choose to use the technology that had lost the format war?

Even if she wanted to steal the disc (which she did) she wouldn't even be able to play it.

"Unforgivable! Completely unforgivable!"

"Ahaha," a voice behind her said, coming from the wand she carried in her backpack. "Is your brother complex acting up again, Ilya-san?"

"It's not like that, Ruby," Ilya lied. "It's just…as his little sister, I can't just stand around while Onii-chan gets played around like that."

"It would be like the love potion all over again, right?"

Ilya nearly stumbled at that memory, shivering for a moment as she recalled the horror of that particular a mistake.

"I should never have listened to you. Everybody knows love potions always go wrong in a magical girl series."

"But it's not like you only have regrets, right~"

"…a-anyway, we need to see Caren."

"Ah, so I take it that's why we're going back to school to see if she's still there?"

"Yeah. Miyu's going to help Rin and Luvia investigate, and Kuro will stay behind to guard Onii-chan."

"Are you sure that's alright, leaving her alone with him? After all, there's nothing wrong with a cousins playing around with each other, right?"

"There's plenty wrong! But it's not like we have any other choice," Ilya said with a defeated sigh. "Somebody has to watch over him and someone has to go to school…"

"And you lost in rock paper scissors, right?"

"Mmmph."

"Well, I'm sure there's nothing to be worried about," Ruby said. "After all, there's bigger fish to fry. Even she wouldn't mess around with him when there's a chance that he'll be in danger.

"Probably."

XXX

As it turned out, Kuro wouldn't be teasing Shirou any time soon. That wasn't because she didn't want to, however. It wasn't even like she wasn't going to try to cross the boundary of taboo today, but…simply put there was no opportunity to.

To begin with, when she returned home she found that any avenue of attacks that could have been available to her was sealed off before she could even attempt an assault. Specifically, someone – no, a pair of some ones had beat her to it.

"Sella…Leysritt, what are you two doing?" Kuro asked, watching the two fight over – and with, Shirou.

The question hadn't needed to be posed. It was very clear exactly what they were doing; both had each grabbed onto a hand and had engaged in a tug of war. Shirou himself seemed to have little idea what was going on – presumably because he had been knocked out at some point in time during the maid's battle.

Of course, while the question hadn't needed to be asked, Kuro really would have preferred it to be heard. As it stood, it seemed like she was ignored entirely, as the maids had somehow entered into a brawl while still holding onto Shirou.

"Let go, Leysritt!" Sella yelled, as she let loose a flurry of kicks at her fellow maid. "It's my duty to take care of Shirou-sama. You can just go back to watching that anime of yours!"

Not to be outdone, Leysritt skillfully and efficiently parried away every single one of your attacks. "You were the one that laughed at me when I proposed the 'Emiya Shirou Raising Project'," Leysritt retorted. "Face it, you lost your chance!"

"You're not suited to be his maid, or his wife!"

"That's okay," Leysritt said, suddenly adopting a serious face. "I'm fine with having him be the wife."

Sella's eye twitched a little, wondering if her fellow maid was really serious. "Why you…that selfish reasoning is why you could never give him the support he needs!"

"I can support him just fine with these," Leysritt said, puffing out her chest proudly.

For a moment, Sella stopped fighting, staring at Leysritt's breasts. Then, with her free hand, she reached for her own – finding little more than disappointment.

"…you…I'll get back for that."

And with that, she completely let go of Shirou, leaving her free to lunge at Leysritt with her whole body. As one maid tackled the other to the ground, Shirou was ejected from the catfight, left lying on the ground nearby.

Kuro could only stand by in amazement as the catfight continued. Rin and Luvia were absolutely right about the dangers that video represented. If the whole world ended up like this; there wouldn't be anything left standing within a week.

More importantly, that would mean she would have to fight an entire world over Shirou. While she didn't mind defeating every other female on Earth, that leave her with very little time to play games with Shirou.

"I really have to do something about this," she said, narrowing her eyes. "For the sake of teasing Shirou!"

She raised her fist into the air, her heart filling up with determination as she prepared herself to go out and put an end to this madness. There was just one little detail she forgot to take into account:

If Sella and Leysritt had turned out like this, who had been the one to show them the video?

"You're not very observant, are you?"

Before Kuro could turn around to see who was talking, she was knocked out by a swift karate chop.

XXX

There were plenty of things that Ilya wanted to ask Caren when she saw her. How had she gotten that recording? Was there a way to reverse the effects of viewing it? Has she been watching her brother all along? And did she have any other videos of him?

Naturally, she simply wanted to make sure nobody else could ever weaponize the memory of her brother ever again. Even if it meant confiscating any and all video players Caren might own.

When she arrived at her school, though, she found someone blocking her way, a person she saw every day at school. There, standing at the entrance gate, was her homeroom teacher, Fujimara Taiga.

"What're you doing here, Taiga?"

She eyed her teacher curiously. The older woman was dressed in an outfit Ilya had never seen her in before; when had she gotten a full set of samurai armor, anyway? More importantly, why was she carrying her shinai as if she were ready for a fight?

"Isn't it obvious? It's because she is ready for a fight," Ruby whispered to her.

As if on cue, Taiga raised her weapon, pointing its end towards her student. "Ilya – today is the day I defeat you and take Shirou's hand in marriage."

"You lost me," Ilya said, laughing weakly. Taiga was prone to doing strange and random things, but this…what kind of reasoning could she possibly have?

"Don't be coy with me. I saw your message posted all over town?"

"Message?" Ilya asked, genuinely surprised. "What message?"

"That you won't allow your brother to marry anybody weaker than you, of course!"

"Eh?"

Had there been messages like that in town? To be honest, Ilya hadn't been paying attention to her surroundings, so it could've been possible…but she certainly didn't post them up herself. Could it be that Caren already knew that she was coming?

"T-that's obviously just a prank," Ilya said, hoping to reason with her teacher.

Taiga smiled softly, just enough for Ilya to think she would be able to get through to her. Yet –

"It's unfortunate, but it's too late to back out now."

- Ilya should have known better to try to reason with Taiga like this, whether or not her teacher was magically brainwashed or not.

"Even if you're my student, I'll force you to call me your sister-in-law!"

With that war cry as her only warning, Taiga charged forward at Ilya, lunging quickly with her shinai. Only Ruby's quick reflexes pulling her master aside saved Ilya, dragged enough to the right that the weapon just barely missed her by a few millimeters.

A bead of sweat went down Ilya's forehead. If Taiga was serious there was no way for Ilya to defeat her normally, even if she had a weapon. Her opponent had been quite a feared opponent back in the day, admired by many kendo practitioners even in the present day – and it was said that her skills had not diminished in the least.

Fortunately, there was no reason for Ilya to fight normally.

"Nice dodge!" Taiga said, drawing back for a moment. "But you won't be able to beat my Torashinai without a weapon!"

"Who says I don't have one?" Ilya said with a grin. Pulling Ruby out from her backpack, she held it in both hands as though it were a sword. "This'll be more than enough to defeat you."

Though she spoke confidently, it was little more than a distraction to buy herself some time. Unlike most magical girls, her transformation was a discreet one, as she used her magical staff to change her regular school uniform into a similar looking costume with a few added ribbons in her hair. Though outside there were very few differences in appearance, it boosted her own physical capabilities far beyond that of a human's. Even a trained martial artist like Taiga wouldn't be able to keep up, or so Ilya thought.

"F-fast!" Ilya said, as she narrowly avoided another lunge from Taiga.

Becoming a blur even to Ilya's enhanced eyes, Ilya found herself forced backwards by Taiga as the other seemed to gain a burst of speed that surpassed anything that Ilya had encountered even in her time as a magical girl. Barely parrying away her opponent's weapon, Ilya couldn't find any opening to attack at all.

"How in the world did you level up so much?" she yelled, frustrated.

"Fufufu," Taiga said, continuing her relentless attacks. "This is the power of love! I can't let myself be defeated if it's Shirou that's on the line!"

With every exchange of blows Ilya was forced to take a step back. Soon she had completely crossed the street, and would eventually find herself with her back against the wall. At that point, there would be nowhere left to run.

No – that was a lie. There was one way, but…

Luvia and Rin would probably lecture her later about how reckless she was, showing off so much. Nonetheless…

"…if it's about love, then I can't be defeated either!"

Suddenly, she jumped into the air – flying outside of Taiga's reach.

Taiga could only smile. It was clearly just a desperation move. "How foolish, you've left yourself open! Once you're in the air, there's no way you can dodge my sword!"

Yes – normally, there was no way for a normal human to avoid attacks in the air. But you know, breaking the laws of physics was only natural for a magical girl.

"Eh?" Taiga said, when it turned out Ilya wasn't coming down at all. "Are you…are you flying?"

"Sorry Taiga!" Ilya said, as she gathered a ball of energy into her free hand. "I'll be sure to have Rin wipe your memory of this later!"

Treating the ball as though it were any other, she flung it towards Taiga, who took up a batter's stance with her shinai. Perhaps, in her mind, it was like one of those games where you played baseball with an enemy's attack.

"I don't care if this is magic or not," Taiga said, tightening the grip on her weapon. "For the sake of my future with Shirou I won't stop here."

Taiga swung and hit the energy ball cleanly with her improvised bat. Unfortunately for her this was not like one of those video games; she would not be sending Ilya's attack back at her. Instead the moment Taiga's shinai touched the ball it burst, engulfing the teacher in a sea of bright light.

"Farewell, Taiga," Ilya said, wiping away a tear. "I'll never forget how valiantly you fought today."

"Ilya-san," Ruby said, as the dust settled – revealing the twitching but undoubtedly unconscious form of the magical girl's homeroom teacher in the center of a crater. "You know she's still alive, right? You only knocked her out."

"Of course, why would I kill someone?" Ilya said, annoyed at that Ruby thought she was capable of murder. "It's simply proper to mourn someone who could never have a route if she were a character in a visual novel."

"Are you sure you of all people should be saying that?"

"Did you say something?"

"…never mind."

XXX

As it turned out, there was more than just Taiga waiting to ambush her. For an elementary school, it seemed like there were more high school students than elementary ones here – all of them wearing the same uniform that Rin and Luvia wore.

There was only one exception.

"Issei-san?"

"Forgive me Ilya!" he said, as he charged at a little girl.

Fortunately for Ilya, none of them really posed much of a threat compared to Taiga. Issei, in particular, she just knocked out by hitting him over the head with Ruby.

But it was difficult making sure not to hurt anybody, and it delayed her from finding Caren. Still, it left no doubt in her mind that that woman obviously was expecting her. It was sort of terrifying, really.

Not only did she seem to know Rin and Luvia had found the video but also that those two would go to her for assistance. There was a chance that she wouldn't even be at the school anymore – why would you stick around if the enemy was coming straight to your base camp? The only reason Ilya was continuing to head to her office was because there had to be a reason all these meat shields had been placed in her way.

Then again, they weren't _that_ effective to begin with.

"This is for Senpai!"

Another opponent appeared, a girl who appeared to be in the archery club judging from her outfit…and the fact that she carried a bow and arrow. Though she bared no resemblance to Matou Shinji, Ilya could at least recognize her as his sister, Sakura.

"I don't have time to deal with this!"

She swatted away the arrow that came at her as though it were a fly. Then closing the distance with a magically enhanced sprint, she knocked out Sakura before the love struck maniac could let lose another volley.

"Seriously, all of this trouble because of a video?"

Finally, though, she reached the nurse's office. Staring at the door she had fought so much to get to, she took a moment to decide on what she would say when she kicked it down. Maybe she should talk about how it was wrong of Caren to play with people's feelings like they were toys – or perhaps declare that, as an ally of justice, a magical girl had no choice but to oppose anybody who would try to dominate the world through such underhanded means. Ultimately, there seemed to be only one thing that seemed appropriate for this situation.

"Stay away from my Onii-chan, you witch!"

It was a battle cry worthy of a bro-con such as herself, heard throughout the school...or it would have been, if Ilya hadn't knocked everybody out already. Breaking down the door with a single kick, she brandished her weapon – ready to have a final showdown with the final boss.

Of course, it was far too soon for that it seemed.

Rather than finding the mastermind of the world domination plot, there were instead a bunch of signs hanging around an empty chair, set up specifically to mock her.

"Too late."

"Your prince is in another castle."

"Isn't it a little disgusting to chase after your brother so much?"

"I can't believe you actually made it."

"It's not nice to kick down a person's door like that."

"Even if you're not blood related, he's still your brother you know."

Ilya's eye twitched, gritting her teeth as she read then one by one. Then finally, the most insulting of all…

"It's not like you'd be brave enough to do anything."

All of Ilya's anger and hatred that had been directed towards Caren disappeared in an instant, as she fell to her knees in defeat.

"She's right, isn't she?"

"Don't worry, Ilya-san. I'm sure that somehow, someday, maybe in an alternate universe, you'll have a route of your own."

XXX

Miyu had gone with Luvia and Rin to 'investigate' Caren's home. Naturally, this meant breaking and entering. Fortunately there were plenty of ways to get past a locked front door without breaking it down, many of which magi like the two older girls would be acquainted with.

They did not choose to exercise that option.

"I don't think she's home," Luvia said, looking through the newly opened window she had placed in the door.

In the background, Rin could only slap her face in exasperation. The moment passed, though, as Luvia pushed the door open and walked in. "Well, at least she'll save us some time by being so straight forward," Rin said, trying to reassure Miyu.

Miyu was not reassured at all.

"Doesn't it seem strange, though?" Miyu asked, even as she helped them search through the school nurse's apartment. "Why would she just leave that disc for you to find out in the open?"

"Maybe she's just careless," Luvia said haughtily. "She was so confident that nobody would find out about her plan she forgot to bring it back."

Part of Miyu wanted to say that Caren wasn't like Luvia and Rin…but decided, for her own health, not to. "Still, why would she label it 'World Domination'?"

"So that she wouldn't mix it up with her movie collection?"

"…and label the case with her own name on the inside?"

"So that people would return it to her if it was lost?"

"No, she's got a point," Rin said, stroking her chin. "To be honest, it might not have been a coincidence that we happened to be called to the student council today either…"

"N-no, that can't be right," Luvia said, her own confidence breaking down a little. "What could she possibly gain from doing that? Isn't it obvious we'd try to stop her plans?"

"Maybe that's the point – maybe she'd want us to try to stop her. Maybe this is just a distraction from her real goal."

"Her real goal?"

"Even if she were after world domination, just showing this video would plunge the world into chaos. How could she control it if it were in that state?"

The three of them paused for a moment, wondering just what it could be that Caren was after. The silence was broken, however, by Sapphire suddenly speaking up.

"Guys, it seems I just got a message from Ruby – it seems that Caren knew that Ilya was going to come after her!"

"What?"

Just as Sapphire was about to go in depth about what happened Luvia's phone interrupted her. "Hold on a second," she said, after glancing at the number. "It's August. I sent him to watch over Kuro and Shirou…"

She flipped open her phone, placing it by her ear. Miyu and Rin remained silent, trying to catch a piece of the conversation. It was easy enough to understand just by listening to Luvia's side, though.

"Wait, Kuro's been knocked out? And so are the maids? Wait – what do you mean Shirou's missing?"

Before any of that information could sink into their heads the lights in the apartment suddenly dimmed, and the TV that had been off until now turned on. Everybody looked over at once, finding the suspect's face smiling at them behind a pink veil.

"Ahaha," she said, holding out a hand in front of her mouth as she laughed. "It's just as you think – it's too late to stop me now."

"You…!" Luvia said, her golden drills practically standing on end. "Just what is it you want?"

"Now, knowing you, one of you have probably yelled at the screen, probably saying something cliché like 'You won't get away with this' or 'We won't give up until you've been stopped!' Unfortunately, this is a one way conversation, a monologue really."

"Tsk…"

"As you might already know," Caren continued. "I already have Shirou in my clutches. My plan will continue on, and there is nothing you can do but watch. So, you might as well sit back and make yourselves at _home_."

On cue, the three girls felt a spell activate in the apartment around them. Rin's eyes widened, but though she tried to dash towards an exit it was sealed off by a black barrier – and though she tried to cast a spell the floor drained all the power from her majutsu.

"Miyu!" she said, hoping the girl could use the kaleido stick to break through…only to find that girl caught in yet another trap.

"This is…Onii-chan," Miyu said, eyes fixed upon a second television that had appeared, entranced by the oddly enchanting image of the young Shirou trying to jump over a pole.

"Yes, isn't he amazing?"

"Luvia, not you too," Rin sighed, face palming. "Sapphire, how about you?"

"I'm fine, Rin-san," the stick replied, apparently unaffected by the video.

"Good. Then send a message to Ilya."

"You know where she is?"

"Of course – how could I forget? After all, I really, _really_ hated being in that guy's church."

XXX

Ilya couldn't believe her ears when she heard the news. Her brother – captured! What was that Kuro doing; shouldn't she have been the one to protect him?

"I've got to save him!"

She flew through the air, across the city to the address Rin had given her. Still, she can't believe she hadn't realized it before – the true goal that woman had!

From the beginning, there was one crucial detail they had ignored about the person who had recorded that video. If everybody else in the world could be affected by it, how could that person possibly not have been, having been there in person?

"Hold it right there!" Ilya yelled, bursting through the church doors. There she found her nemesis standing at the altar in a pink wedding gown - just where Ilya had expected her to be. Caren wasn't alone, of course. Beside her was none other than her brother, unconscious yet still standing – held up by a mysterious red cloth wrapped tightly around his body – and a priest who seemed to be voluntarily holding this ceremony, if the amused smile on his face was any indication at all. There was even a camera a few feet away from them, no doubt broadcasting the entire ceremony to Rin and the others.

"Oh?" Caren said, turning away from her groom to face the invader. "So, you made it after all."

"Caren Ortensia – I should have known you weren't after World Domination after all!"

"Now what would give you that idea?" Caren asked, raising her eyebrow.

Ilya blinked; her enemy seemed to be genuinely surprised. Still, she couldn't underestimate her. "Well," she started hesitantly, wondering if this was just another one of Caren's games. "Weren't you the one who recorded that video in the first place?"

"Of course I was. It was a miracle I happened to have a video camera on that particular day."

"Then that means you fell in love with him too!"

Caren blinked, tilting her head a little as she pondered where the other girl was going with this. "So? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well…you just wanted to marry him, right?" Ilya asked, no longer quite sure of herself.

"That doesn't mean I wouldn't want to take over the world," Caren said, as though that fact were the most obvious thing in the world. "With me as Shirou's wife, I could rule as the Supreme Queen of the Universe."

"Eh?" Ilya said in shock, nearly tripping over her own feet despite the fact she was simply standing in one place. "W-well, I will still stop you!"

"Why would you want to do that?" Caren asked, tilting her head again, combining it with the eyebrow raising. "It's not like you could have married him yourself anyway!"

"T-this is obviously for the world!"

"Under my rule, the world would have no wars, no fighting, only happiness."

"And how do you plan to bring that about, huh?"

"Under my rule, Shirou will have as many mistresses as I order him to. In my world, there wouldn't even be the taboo of marrying your brother."

"…"

"You're thinking about it, aren't you?"

"N-no!" Ilya said, furiously shaking her head. "That's – something like that would just be obscene!" After all, that was the forbidden territory between a brother and a sister. Even if, as a magical girl, she constantly broke the laws of physics or the fourth wall, that was a line that couldn't be crossed.

"A…anyway," Ilya declared, pointing Ruby at Caren. "There's one thing your plan forgot to take into account, Caren!"

"Oh? And what would that be?"

"Just because you're willing to let him have mistresses doesn't mean everybody else is," Ilya said, closing her eyes for a moment, seeing visions of Taiga and Issei, and even that one girl Sakura flow through her mind. "I've seen a lot of people fight for his love today – and there's no way any one of them would be satisfied with sharing him with anybody else."

"You're right," Caren acknowledged. "A lot of people will fight for him."

Ilya opened her eyes, giving her enemy a questioning look; Caren seemed to be too easily convinced by that argument. "So, you admit that it's pointless to continue," Ilya started hesitantly, "You admit that it's pointless to continue with this plan."

"It's not pointless," Caren said, wagging her finger at Ilya. "All it means is that I have to beat them all, and force them to accept me as their queen."

"You're crazy."

"I'm not crazy. I know it's possible. And, in a way, it's already been done."

"Eh?"

Caren's smile grew as her hand reached for her chest and slid her fingers into the valley of her bosom. Slowly, she pulled something out from between her breasts – a small rectangle that she then held above her head, showing its face to Ilya. The magical girl would recognize it immediately – though the name was too small for her to read at that distance it was impossible to mistake the image of an Archer clearly printed on it.

"You…" It wasn't difficult to figure out where Caren had gotten it. No doubt it had been stolen when Kuro had been knocked out – Ilya softly cursed her lookalike for letting the enemy get a hold on such a powerful weapon. Still, there was a chance that Caren might not know what it really was.

"I see you recognize the Class Card Archer," Caren said, dashing Ilya's hopes in an instant. "But I wonder, do you even know what it really is?"

"A heroic spirit," Ilya said, remembering what Rin and Luvia had taught her. "A legendary hero called forth from the Throne of Heroes of our past, right?"

"Usually, yes," Caren said, though the disappointed tone she took annoyed Ilya. "They're certainly heroic spirits – but you know, they're not always limited to figures from the past. The hero sealed in here is known as Shirou. Emiya Shirou."

"You can't mean," Ilya said as she took a step back, as the implication hit her. All this time it had been Shirou sealed in that card, and when she had fused together with it… "I…I became one with my brother?" Blushing furiously, Ilya shook her head – desperately trying not to think about how she had had her brother come inside of her so many times already. "Wait a second – that means he's been inside Kuro too, that pervert!"

"Ah, Ilya-san?" Ruby said, sweat impossibly forming on its head. "I don't think that's what you were supposed to get from that."

Ilya blinked, staring at Ruby. "What do you mean?"

"Ahem," Caren said, reminding Ilya that she was still there. "What your friend means is that the reason I know that my plan is possible, the proof of my inevitable victory is in this card."

"That's impossible," Ilya said, glaring at Caren. "There's no way such a convenient proof exists."

Caren sighed. "I suppose you still don't believe me," she said with a shrug. "Then allow me to show you – the undeniable truth of my triumph. Include!" Caren shouted, throwing the card into the air. "Unlimited Harem Works!"

Ilya instinctively threw her arms in front of her face, shielding her eyes as the card burst into a flash of light. Suddenly, flames appeared beneath Caren's feet and expanded outward, engulfing everything around them. Though the flames seemed to pass by people without harm the church itself, no, the entire world around was burned away, soon to be replaced by another completely. Panicking, Ilya looked around – seeing a barren wasteland as far as the eye could see. What drove her to despair, however, was not being dragged into an alien world but its inhabitants.

Rin and Luvia, Sella and Leysritt…even the people from Shirou's school and more – many more that Ilya had not even seen before – were here, kneeling in deference to Caren.

"This is…"

"A reality marble," Caren answered. "Or, close enough anyway. It is Shirou's greatest Noble Phantasm – a place where every person who ever fell in love with him can be gathered at once. And here I am already Queen," she added, motioning to the golden crown that now rested upon her head.

"This looks bad, Ilya-san," Ruby said, more than a little intimidated.

"Y-yeah," Ilya replied, her grip on the kaleidostick shaking slightly.

Ilya knew what would happen if she tried to fight Caren. Against an unlimited number of rivals – many of whom looked as though they could hold their own in a fight – it was an impossible battle. However, Ilya was a magical girl; it was at these times she had to gather her courage and…

"So…is that First Mistress position still open, Caren-sama?"

…submit completely to the enemy.

"No," Caren answered, showing no mercy at all.

"Well, it was worth a shot."

Surrendering wouldn't work. Fighting head on would be impossible. Frankly, Ilya was having trouble figuring out a way out of this – but she refused to let it end like this. Unlimited Harem Works – how ridiculous. Something as crazy as that had to have some form of weakness…it just had to.

Caren had no intention of letting Ilya figure it out, however. "Attack my minions," she ordered, pointing to her target, Ilya. "Teach my sister-in-law who it is that reigns supreme!"

Wordlessly, the army of women stood up, many pulling out weapons out of nowhere before charging at Ilya. Gritting her teeth, the girl muttered a curse as she retreated into the air – out of their reach – or so she thought.

The crowd parted, leaving a space around one of the members of the harem. There, standing in a suit of armor, was none other than the Servant Saber – sword held in both hands above her head in an all too familiar stance. "Ex…"

"You've got to be kidding me," Ilya said, scrambling to get out of the way.

"…calibur!" Saber finished, swinging her sword – launching a massive blast of light from her blade.

Somehow, Ilya managed to dodge the attack – flying out of the line of fire just in time. Having narrowly avoided an instant KO, she stared down at the knight, half expecting the older woman to launch another blast. "Just how in the world did my brother have a class card fall in love with him anyway?" she asked, wondering just what the limit of Shirou's appeal was or if it even had any.

Of course, Saber wasn't the only problem on Ilya's hands.

"Bellerophon!"

"Fragarach!"

'Suiten Nikkou Amaterasu Yano Shizu Ishi!"

"What's with all these ridiculously overpowered girls chasing after Onii-chan?" Ilya cried, defending after one noble phantasm after the other. Back on the ground, Caren laughed as she watched Ilya dance around the barrage of attacks and though the girl launched a couple shots of her own it was pointless. Ilya knew that even if she managed to take one of them down, there were still a seemingly infinite amount of opponents to fight through.

_Maybe,_ she wondered, as she conjured up a shield to defend against a series of lightning bolts from Caster, _I'm going about this all wrong. I can't defeat them all – but I don't need to._ _There has to be a weakness,_ she thought, glancing back down to Caren.

It was then that she saw it, her only chance of victory. It was reckless, dangerous, and not even guaranteed to work, but it was her only shot.

"Sorry about this," she yelled as she gathered energy in an open palm. "But there's no other way!"

With as much power as she could muster up in an instant, she placed it inside of a ball much like the one that had taken out Taiga earlier today. Then, with a frustrated battlecry, she threw it towards Caren – who only looked with mild curiosity before conjuring up the noble phantasm, Rho Aias, to act as her shield. No matter how strong Ilya's attack was it would not penetrate those seven layers of defense…then again, Caren hadn't been the target to begin with.

Smoke engulfed Caren for a moment after the ball of magic seemed to explode next to her, unable to even place a scratch her defense. By the time it cleared, however, she realized something was wrong. The women that had once been constantly attacking Ilya had ceased fighting and instead were looking her way.

…her way, but not at her specifically.

Hearing someone coughing behind her, Caren turned to see Shirou freed from the cloth that had imprisoned him earlier – fully conscious now after being caught in an explosion. The boy staggered on his feet before looking around, trying to gather his memories and figure out just where in the world he was.

"Ilya, are you flying?" he said, not quite sure of himself as he looked up to see his sister floating in the sky. "A..are you flying? And-"

If he had more questions, he didn't get a chance to speak them. All of a sudden all of the girls that had appeared with the reality marble rushed at him at once. Swept underneath a tidal wave of women, the last thing Ilya saw of her brother was his hand desperately reaching for the surface – and that too was quickly pulled under.

"Farewell, Onii-chan," Ilya said, wiping away a tear. "I'll never forget your sacrifice this day."

"Ilya-san," Ruby said. "You know that you're the one that sacrificed him, right?"

XXX

The reality marble was gone, and Archer had returned to being a simple class card. Sitting on the ground, covered in footprints, was Caren who had been caught in the tsunami of women as well, bowing her head in defeat.

"Unlimited Harem Works," she muttered. "To think that it would have such a weakness."

"You've lost," Ilya declared, crouching next to her once again unconscious brother. "There's no way your twisted love could ever overcome the purest form of love between siblings."

"There's nothing pure about your love at all, Ilya-san," Ruby said.

"Shut up!"

"You're right," Caren admitted, standing up. Brushing some of the dirt off her veil, she placed it on Ilya's head and smiled. "I suppose I'll just have to settle for being First Mistress myself."

Ilya blinked, but before she could object the priest stepped forward, reminding everybody that he was still there. "I now pronounce you Husband and Wife."

Ilya blinked again, tilting her head as well. "Eh?"

"Congratulations Ilya-san," Ruby said. "It's just what you always wanted!"

"You can't…this isn't-"

"Don't worry about the honeymoon," Caren said, forcing a pair of tickets into Ilya's hand. "You can just go on the trip I planned for Shirou and myself."

"Hold on-oh, never mind."

_And they all lived happily ever after._


End file.
